Harry Potter and the Many Stupid Short Stories
by xMetallicBooger
Summary: New chapter! The Mandatory Dumbledore is Gay fic! All rejoice! Please R&R!
1. The Time They Just Sat There

**Harry Potter and the Time They Just Sat There For 300 Pages**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

Harry Potter and his best friends, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasely sat in the garden one fine, sunny day enjoying a spot of tea and some biscuits. Much had happened the past year at school, and they had decided to take some time off to just sit and relax.

"More tea, Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, please," said Harry.

"You know what, guys?" Ron asked.

"What?" the others asked in unison.

"Well, I've been thinking, and quite frankly, I'm sick of going to school, having adventures, and doing interesting things. I'd much rather sit here for the rest of my life. To hell with school. To hell with..._You-Know-Who_. To hell with everything. In fact, not only do I wish to sit here, I'm going to be a pessimistic bitch about everything. Who's with me?"

They sat and pondered for a bit. It was a tempting idea. Harry was sick of having more responsibility than any other person in the entire wizarding world, and Hermione was finding it harder and harder each year to find time to read between helping her friends save the world and whatnot.

"Yeah, alright," shrugged Harry.

"Fine by me," said Hermione indifferently.

"Wicked."

And so they sat. They sat. And they drank tea. And ate biscuits. And though it wasn't nearly as exciting as what they would normally do, it was a lot more relaxing. And so, for 300 pages, they sat. But not only did they sit; they sat and discussed everything from politics, to favorite types of cookies, to who would look the funniest with no left nostril. They knew eventually they would run out of biscuits, but right now, they didn't care. They also discussed why they didn't care. No one came to any conclusion. Then they giggled and tittered like school girls about they time Snape had sleep-walked around the corridors in sparkly pink undergarments. Ah, it was a fine day. A fine day indeed.

_300 pages later..._

Eventually Harry said "I think we've sat for a good 300 pages...Wanna do something else now?"

Hermione burst out "Let's knit _pot holders_!"

"Yeah!" Ron exclaimed.

And so they wandered off to knit pot holders, while elsewhere all society collapsed and many witches and wizards were brutally slaughtered by the Dark Lord, and no one gave a damn.


	2. The Sorcerer's Scone

**Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Scone**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

Harry Potter was sitting around in the Gryffindor common room with his friend Ron playing a rousing game of Exploding Snap. Just then, a random nameless student burst in with a letter.

"I've got a letter. Who wants it?" asked the student.

"OH! OH, ME! ME! PICK ME!" Ron squealed as he bounced with glee.

"Um...no one, then? Ok, here you go, Harry."

"What the bloody?"

"Hey Ron, it's from Dumbledore. He wants me to go to his office. Like...Now. Bye."

And with that, Harry swept from the room and Ron was left all alone. And no one really cared. So, with a mighty sigh, Ron headed to the dormitory to curl up with a good cheesy romance novel and mope about whatever random blarney his teenage boy's mind could make up.

Harry hurried to Dumbledore's office. He gave the password (_Snickerdoodle)_ and hurried up the stairs, where he knocked on the door that was almost immediately answered by Dumbledore himself.

"Ah, Harry, I see you received my message. Come in, come in, we've much to discuss."

Harry walked into Dumbledore's office, where he found everything much the same as it had always been, but one thing he noticed was an unusually delicious-looking scone on a small plate on a golden foot stool. It called to him. And Harry longed for it. He longed to taste the delicious buttery light-as-a-feather bready goodness that was the Almighty Scone.

"Hey, a scone," Harry said, and gobbled it down like a famished wolverine.

And for the first time in his life, Harry saw Dumbledore freak. Freak like a freaky freakish freak thing. Oh yes. Dumbledore freaked.

"BLOODY HELL, HARRY! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? THAT WAS THE _SORCERER'S_ SCONE! I MEAN, IT'S RUDE ENOUGH WALKING INTO SOMEONE'S OFFICE AND JUST EATING A SCONE WITHOUT EVEN ASKING! IF YOU'D ONLY ASKED I COULD HAVE GOTTEN YOU A SCONE, BUT THIS WAS THE BLOODY _SORCERER'S _SCONE! WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN? NOW THE ENTIRE WIZARDING WORLD IS DOOMED! DOOMED DOOMED DOOMED!"

And with that, Dumbledore jumped out the window still screaming like a madman.

Harry shrugged, then belched loudly. It had been a damn good scone. Then he wondered if Ron was still up for a game of Exploding Snap.


	3. Harry Throws a Rock

**Harry Potter throws a rock at Voldemort when he's not looking...then runs.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

Harry strolled down Diagon Alley, pondering the delicious strip of half-eaten bacon he'd salvaged from the trash can and eaten for lunch, and with a fond sigh, he relished the memory. Just then, he saw someone who looked strangely familiar.

Was it...Could it really be...Bloody hell, it was Voldemort! It was bloody friggin Voldemort! Harry wondered why people weren't running and screaming in terror, but decided to proceed calmly and make up some ridiculous scheme to once again save the world, as he had done many a time before. Then it came to him.

Yes, Harry picked up a rock and chucked it straight at Voldemort's head. Then, he ran. He ran like _hell_. He ran like he'd never run before in his life. He ran screaming like a little girl, moving his stubby little legs as though there was a herd of angry trolls on his heels. When he was a good 10 meters or so away, he stopped to catch his breath, and he looked back to see if anyone was chasing. As it turned out, it hadn't been Voldemort after all, just some random old man he'd never seen before in his life. He was shouting and waving a walking stick in the air angrily.

Harry could just barely make out the words, "HEY, YOU ROTTEN BRAT! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! I'M NOT TOO OLD TO TAKE YOU OVER MY KNEE! YOU OUGHTA LEARN SOME RESPECT, YOU SHOULD! YOU DON'T JUST GO AROUND HITTING PEOPLE WITH ROCKS! WHY, I OUGHTA..."

Harry didn't bother to listen, because he didn't really care. He just shrugged and walked away, considering buying something large and extravagant, for no real reason.


	4. The Stoned Philosopher

**Harry Potter and the Stoned Philosopher**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

'Twas lunch time in the Great Hall at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and as the students enjoyed a fine lunch of whatever it was they usually ate for lunch, Dumbledore began to speak at a podium that had magically appeared.

"Now students, today we have a very special treat. Though, not nearly as delicious as lemon drops. Ah, lemon drops..." Here he paused to drool a bit. "But I digress. Yes, we have a very special treat indeed. We have some random philosopher guy from nowhere in particular. Enjoy."

An old man staggered unsteadily to the podium. His eyes were red and bloodshot, he had a goofy grin plastered on his face, and when he spoke, his speech was rather slurred.

"Here, I say now...I say...Is this thing on? HELLO?" He shouted, obviously unaware that wizards did not use microphones and that his voice was magically magnified. The students cringed, and a few stuck their fingers in their ears.

"Alright then, now...Now...I say now...I say...I say..." The old man trailed off, staring straight ahead with a blank look on his face as he giggled and muttered things that sounded rather like "Haha, dookie."

"I love you guys..." he tittered a bit more audibly, and with those last words, he fell over and blanked out.

Dumbledore took the podium once more, not looking at all put off by this strange occurrence.

"Wasn't that enlightening, students?"

"I'll have what he's having," Ron whispered to Harry, pointing to the collapsed old man on the floor.


	5. The Secrets of the Bed Chamber

**Harry Potter and Secrets of the Bed Chamber**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

Harry heard some strange noises coming from the bathroom in the 3rd floor corridor, and being the unhealthily curious boy he was, he went to go check on it.

Inside, what he found was not a bathroom, but a bathroom that had been sloppily converted to a bedroom by means of magic. And as he inquired further, he wished he hadn't. He had also found Professor Snape. And a rubber duck.

Snape gave a girlish squeal as his hands flew to his chest to prevent Harry from seeing anything. The duck squeaked innocently.

Harry's first instinct was to scream like a 10-year-old school girl, but he thought better of it and backed slowly out of the room, feeling incredibly nauseous and more than a little scared.


	6. Harry Potter Finds Waldo

**Harry Potter Finds Waldo**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

It was summer time, and Harry sat in his room finishing up some of his homework. It was dreadfully boring. And then his eyes fell on an empty cereal box. He wasn't sure why he kept it around, but he was too lazy to throw it away. On the back was something familiar. A "Where's Waldo" thingy. He loved those things. Such wonderful thingies they were.

He instantly grabbed it and began his search for Waldo. He sat for hours, ignoring everything else, endlessly searching for Waldo. It was harder than he'd anticipated.

"Waldo, you tricky bastard, where are you?" He said to himself. Waldo was indeed a very tricky bastard, as he'd apparently strategically placed objects and people that LOOKED like him but weren't him everywhere. Harry hated Waldo for this, and mentally kicked himself every time he thought he'd seen a red and white striped sweater and an ugly hat, but upon closer inspection found it wasn't really Waldo. Dammit.

Late into the night, Harry searched for Waldo. When finally, as he was just about to give up, he spotted him!

"Yes!" Harry shouted aloud. Then he realized what a time waste it had all really been, and ripped up the box so as to use it as lining for Hedwig's cage.


	7. Harry Potter and the Unpoppable Zit

**Harry Potter and the Unpoppable Zit **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

Harry awoke one morning, rolled out of bed, and sleepily trudged to the bathroom. He absently brushed his teeth and washed his face. Upon closer inspection of his face, he noticed a small red bump on the tip of his nose.

"Ah, great." He mumbled.

Standard procedure. Simply pop it and be done with it.

Harry squeezed the little devil between his thumb and forefinger. All that happened was it hurt like a little bitch. He nearly cried. He wondered if there wasn't something else he could do. He spotted a tub of some acne cream proudly bearing the words "dOXY: ACNE TREATMENT FOR THE WIZARDING WORLD."

It was allegedly supposed to clear up the pimple instantly, but blimey if it didn't burn like the fires of hell.

"D'Arvit!" swore Harry. Then he corrected himself. "Oops, wrong book series. Um...Shit."

Seeing as it was early in the morning, and Harry wasn't exactly in his right mind just yet, he came to the conclusion that there was no other option but to repeatedly smash his face into the wall. And he did so, with gusto.

Hours later he was found on the floor of the bathroom with a minor concussion, bleeding profusely from his nose and was rushed to the hospital wing where Madam Pomfrey not only fixed his physical ailments, she also got rid of his pimple. And Harry was happy once more.


	8. Harry Potter and the Urinal of Wisdom

**Harry Potter and the Urinal of Wisdom**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

Harry was in no hurry for Potions class that day, and he needed to take a mighty piss, so he hurried to the nearest boy's restroom. Just as he was getting down to business, a voice from nowhere said, "No! Do not piss on me, for I am the Urinal of Wisdom!"

"Bloody hell. Is that a fact?"

"Indeed it is, my lad."

Harry found he was instantly relieved of the urge to pee, and that was all he really cared about. He made for the exit, but the Urinal shouted, " No, child! Come back and I shall fill you with the knowledge of a thousand urinals!"

Harry would normally have been curious, but he could never resist the urge to be a smart ass.

"How about Cho Chang's cup size?"

This agitated the Urinal. "Just. Get out. Now."

Harry gladly did so, without arguing. The Urinal was left all alone to mope and ponder and wish that maybe some day he wouldn't be ignored and some boy would actually care. He didn't actually have the knowledge of a thousand urinals. Only one, and that was himself. All he wanted was a friend. He had found, over the years, that urinals asking for friends wasn't exactly appealing and just creeped people out, so he had resorted to lying. It seemed now that he would be doomed to an eternity of being pissed on. A most horrible fate.


	9. Harry Potter and the Trenchcoat Mafia

**Harry Potter and the Trenchcoat Mafia **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

It was a lovely spring day at Hogwarts, and Harry was strolling through the Great Hall towards the doors so as to go have a nice afternoon sit by the lake. What happened next was something Harry had never seen coming.

At that very moment, several teenagers with terrible fashion sense and hair that could have out-greased Snape burst through the door. Harry couldn't help but think, "I guess Hermione was wrong about all that crap about not being able to get into Hogwarts and...Blah blah blah." Not that he ever listened to Hermione anyway.

Then he noticed that the teenagers were carrying an assortment of guns, which meant that Harry's next thought would have been "Holy shit!" if he'd had time to think it. But his legs were too busy carrying him in the opposite direction, and his mouth was busy screaming like a small girl.

Dumbledore poked his head from around the corner, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

"Alright then, what's all this? Screaming like a girl, Harry? On a Saturday? This is most unlike you."

Harry ignored Dumbledore and ran past him, screaming. Dumbledore caught site of the greasy teenage boys and thought, "Holy shit!" And he too ran screaming like a little girl.

Back in the Gryffindor common room, Harry told Hermione and Ron what he'd seen, and they began to formulate a plan. And after much deliberation, they came up with a most deliciously evil plan. They scattered to gather the ingredients and met back up to head down to the Great Hall together.

What they found what utter carnage. Bullets flew through the air like a hail of tiny deadly metal insects. The stench of death was heavy in the air, and corpses littered the ground. Ron chose this moment to run screaming, as he often did.

Hermione strategically positioned the giant makeshift catapult, and Harry loaded it with Snape's used undershorts.

"YOUR PUNY WEAPONS WILL NEVER DEFEAT US, BITCHES!" laughed the greasy children maniacally.

Harry snorted. "Pffft. Drama queens."

Snape's undershorts sailed through the air and a pair hit each of the boys square in the face, and they began screeching and wailing like my cat when she coughs up a hairball. They began to melt as though a large vat of acid had been dumped on them.

And as suddenly as the chaos had started, it ended. Harry looked at Hermione, and Hermione looked at Harry.

"What d'ya wanna do now?"

"Let's knit _pot holders_!"

"No, we've done that already. Wanna go roll around in the grass outside until we think of something better?"

"Sure!"

And the two scampered outside, leaving Ron where ever he had run off to and a mess of dead bodies, blood, and deadly undergarments in the Great Hall.


	10. Harry Potter and the Carnivorous Pony

**Harry Potter and the Carnivorous Pony**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

"Now children, before we head to the petting zoo, I urge you to mind your manners and do _NOT _bewitch the animals!" Dumbledore shouted.

And with that, the countless Hogwarts students were herded onto the train, and it took off in the direction of the nearest petting zoo. No one was sure why they were going, but Dumbledore found it necessary to visit a petting zoo for some reason.

The ride was long and boring, and everyone from the youngest first years to the oldest 7th years were looking forward to petting some fuzzy mammals. Soon, the train stopped and they were herded off like so many cattle.

They caught sight of the animals, and all hell broke loose. A great stampede of children thundered toward the fuzzy bunnies, soft llamas, cuddly sheep, and adorable ponies.

Ron ran over to one of the ponies and climbed onto its back.

"YEEEEEEHAAAWWWWW!1!1!1!SHIFT+1!" Ron shrilled.

The pony began to run, and stopped suddenly next to the rabbit hutch. An adorably fluffy bunny scampered out, trying painfully hard to look cute. The pony whinnied happily and chomped down on the rabbit's head. The students gasped, and a few of the smaller girls began to cry as the pony wolfed down the rabbit and belched loudly.

"Erm..." Ron stammered as he climbed down from the pony's back, his ears a violent shade of crimson.

And with that, the students headed back to the train. They'd had enough of the petting zoo for today.


	11. The Attack of the Rabid Snitch

**Harry Potter and the Attack of the Rabid Snitch **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

It was Saturday late-morning/early-afternoon, just before the Gryffindor Quidditch match against Hufflepuff.

Hufflepuffs. What a load of push-overs. This would be the easiest game Harry could hope for, and he was not nervous at all.

Madam Hooch blew her whistle and the game began. Hufflepuff scored a point almost instantly. Sad, really. Apparently the Gryffindor Keeper had underestimated the Hufflepuffs and let his guard down. A common but very stupid mistake.

It seemed every time Gryffindor scored a point, Hufflepuff was right behind them. Harry couldn't help but wonder if he should start taking steroids. But he realized it wouldn't do any good because Quidditch wasn't so much about how strong you were, unless maybe you were a Beater, but when you were the Seeker it all came down to how well you could fly, your eye sight, and your ability to dodge anything flying at a very high speed toward your head.

Harry wondered if wizards even had anything to the effect of steroids. A golden glint in the far distance caught his eye and he snapped back into reality. He began to fly for it, as the Hufflepuff Seeker was much closer, though he didn't seem to notice the Snitch. The Snitch even seemed to be following him. It seemed almost as if...

Harry stopped suddenly in shock, as the Snitch suddenly expanded to an enormous size and ate off the Hufflepuff Seeker's face. He seemed to be the only one to notice, until a few people on the ground noticed the sudden rain shower.

Odd. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and this rain was very thick and...Red? "Bloody hell," everyone thought precisely at the same moment. Utter chaos broke out, and everybody rushed to help the poor sod flailing helplessly on his broomstick, who'd probably be shouting if he still had a mouth to shout from.

If the boy had been a muggle and had his face gnawed off by a bear or some such, he probably wouldn't have survived. This boy would only have to magically re-grow his face. The Snitch would probably be dissolved in acid. And the rightful order would be restored.

Still, it made for a damn good story around the common room fire for generations to come.


	12. Snape's Really Awesome Pink Boxers

**Professor Snape and His Really Awesome Pink Boxers that Happened to have been Worn Every Day of His Life**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

Ah, 'twas laundry day for Severus Snape. He prepared a cauldron full of warm water and added some soap. He brought out his full-length mirror and put on all the clothes he'd worn since he'd last done laundry. Then he began to strip and dance provocatively in front of the mirror. Unnecessary maybe, but it was much more fun this way. He was down to his undershorts. Only one pair of those. They were pink, worn, and faded, but hell, he'd worn them every day since he'd gotten them, so very long ago. Maybe not every day of his life, but ever since he was very young. He remembered the day well, and regarded it as one of his few cherished memories.

They'd been through so much together. In a way, they were like Snape's best friend. Which was sad.

Well, maybe next to his rubber ducky. But that was a purely physical relationship.

Snape liked to think of his underpants as magical. He could wear them for months at a time and not wash them, and no one said a thing. He tittered childishly at the thought.

They were stitched carelessly around the seat. Another memory, though not quite so fond. Every time he saw the messy stitching, he thought of his unpleasant experience with Professor Dumbledore's extra-special super-duper-spicy fiesta-in-your-mouth chili.

It was also stained with a number of things. One of the more interesting stains had been left by an enlarging potion.

He turned them inside out so as to clean them better, and he noticed some skid marks that had been there for quite a while. Just out of curiosity, he sniffed them.

He thought fondly of how much they'd been through, and of all the things he hoped they'd be with him to see.


	13. Lockhart's Untamed Chest Hair

**Harry Potter and Lockhart's Untamed Chest Hair **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

Harry had just come from Charms class where they'd practiced cheering charms, and his partner had gone a bit overboard. As a result, he walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts class and immediately jumped onto a desk and began performing a strip tease. The other students, all inebriated with happiness, began to cheer and giggle wildly.

Lockhart walked into class, and though he found this strangely arousing, he knew his duties as a professor would be to stop it immediately.

"Potter! Come down from there this instant!"

"Aw, raspberries," Harry muttered, climbing from the desk and gathering some of his clothing.

"Detention. Tonight. My office at 8."

"Yes ma'am." Harry said obediently, sitting in his desk.

That night, Harry made his way to Lockhart's office in a rather bad mood. His cheering charm had worn off, he'd had a god-awful day, and he was rather embarrassed about today's happenings.

What he saw when he walked in was something so horrible it made him want to hurt himself very badly.

Lockhart was standing there, naked from the waist up. Harry didn't recognize him at first. He'd mistaken him for a bear with curly blonde fur.

Fighting the urge to vomit, Harry asked, "Er...Professor...Is this a bad time?"

"No, Harry. Not at all," Lockhart said plainly, handing Harry a razor much like the one Uncle Vernon had, but this one didn't run on electricity. "Shave me," He said.

"What? Have you gone mad?"

"No, Harry. I have not. I assure you, I'm quite sane. And handsome. And brilliant. Now shave me."

Harry looked from Lockhart, to the razor, and back to Lockhart. Then he fainted.

What happened next was anyone's guess. But Harry preferred not to know.


	14. The Mysterious, Smelly Bathroom Stall

**Harry Potter and the Mysterious, Smelly Bathroom Stall **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

Harry Potter lay in bed, too hyper to sleep. He had not gotten himself into enough mischief that day, and felt he needed to have just one more pointless adventure until he welcomed the dark, empty comfort that was sleep.

"Ron? Ron, are you asleep?"

Nothing. Nothing but the sound of Ron snoring loudly and muttering something that sounded a lot like, "Oh...Oh, Severus... Ah, that's niiice..."

Harry did not _even_ want to know.

"Ron, you lazy wanker," Harry muttered, as he got out of bed and pulled on his invisibility cloak.

He hurried through the common room and past the portrait of the Fat Lady, not knowing where exactly to go yet. So, he did as he had always done. He just wandered around aimlessly looking for nothing in particular, because when he did that, he usually found something really fun, or impending doom.

He passed by the boys' restroom, and was greeted by an exceptionally rank stench. Trying hard not to think about puking, he pinched his nose and skittered inside. He imagined he could see comical stink lines coming from a particular stall, in which the loo had obviously seen better days.

He wondered what could possibly make a toilet smell so bad. Besides maybe Gregory Goyle. But...Honestly. Feeling rather sick, Harry decided now would be a good time to go back to bed. And he did so.

The next morning at breakfast, Ron wasn't eating. Or at least, not as much as he usually did.

"Anything wrong, Ron?" Hermione asked.

"Nah...I just don't feel great, that's all."

"Ok," Harry and Hermione said in unison. No one really cared anyway.

Throughout the day, Ron kept making mysterious trips to the bathroom. Harry sincerely hoped it didn't have anything to do with what he'd heard Ron muttering about last night. He shuddered involuntarily.

That night, Harry decided to go investigate the bathroom stall again. He looked for Ron to come with him, but he'd mysteriously vanished.

Harry made his way to the loo quickly and quietly, but when he got there, he found the bathroom was not empty. There was somebody in the stall! Harry crept silently to it, and pushed open the door. What he found surprised him entirely.

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ron squealed girlishly

"Bloody hell!" Harry shouted, accidentally throwing off the invisibility cloak.

Just then, Filch staggered inside with Mrs. Norris at his heels and an empty vodka bottle in his hand.

"'Ere, what's all this, then?" He demanded. He looked from Harry to Ron sitting with his pants down on the loo, and decided not to ask anymore questions. Then he left, as fast as anyone as inebriated as he was could.

Harry looked back at Ron and arched an eyebrow. He'd solved the mystery all right. He rather wished he hadn't.

And with that, Harry left Ron to his business and went back to bed. He resolved to have fewer nightly excursions from then on.


	15. The Gloomy Angsty Fanfic of Doom

**Harry Potter and the Gloomy Angsty Fanfic of Doom**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

**Warning! There be Mock Angst ahead!**

One lovely day in October, Harry Potter was sitting in the common room by the fire, feeling rather sorry for himself for no particular reason. Being a teenager was filled with angst and lots of inconvenient mood swings. Harry felt he had it worse than anyone on Earth, not only because that's how everyone with a bad case of Teen Angst feels, but because people were always trying to kill him.

It occurred to him then that the next time Voldemort or someone else tried to kill him, he should probably just let them. Then he realized that there was no honor in dying like that, and he was either going to go down fighting, or sink to the all-time low and kill himself.

"Oh, life sucks, I'm so mistreated, nobody loves me, everyone sucks, and I just want to die."

At that moment, Ron walked in. "Hey, Harry. What's up?"

"Go to hell, Ron! Can't you see I'm trying to wallow in my own self pity here?"

"Oh…Right. Sorry." Ron said, feeling a little scared, as he slowly backed out of the room.

Harry walked over to the window. He opened it and looked outside, where he saw a small boy sitting in the grass, not really doing anything.

"You there!" Harry shouted. The boy looked up. "Go kill yourself!"

"Yessir!" The boy saluted, and ran off.

Harry felt much better, but he decided to go off and slash his wrists, just for attention.

Harry sat in the common room where anyone who walked in could see him, with a knife at the ready, when Hermione pranced in merrily.

"Hello, Harry! Isn't it a _beautiful_ day? Just PERFECT for doing homework! And when I'm done with that, I think I'll sit outside and knit pot holders! Oh, the _JOY_!"

"Rawr! Grr! Argh!" Harry snarled angrily, throwing the knife at Hermione's head. It hit her right between the eyes, and she fell to the ground, dead.

"Hey, that was fun" Harry said to himself. And thus, he went on a wild killing spree, ending the lives of at least half the children at Hogwarts.


	16. Harry Potter and the Killer Hippo

**Harry Potter and the Killer Hippo**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

It was Sunday evening, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione were on their way down to visit Hagrid. They didn't want to, but he'd asked them to and just in case Hagrid ever came down with a bad case of schizophrenia, they didn't want to be brutally murdered in their sleep.

They knocked on the door of Hagrid's hut, and not long after he opened it and welcomed them in.

"Ah, Harry! Ron! 'Ermione! Glad yeh could come! Ah've got somethin' special ter show yeh, 'round back."

What they saw next probably would have been shocking, had they not already expected something huge and deadly.

"It's a killer hippo. Ain't she a beaut'?"

"Er…Yeah, sure." Ron said nervously, not wanting to offend Hagrid.

"It's a surprise for termorrow's lesson," Hagrid said proudly.

"Oh bloody…" Ron groaned.

"Wos tha', Ron?" Hagrid asked curiously.

"I said…Er…'Oh, goody.'"

Hagrid invited them in for some tea and 'food', but having experienced Hagrid's cooking before, they decided to pass.

The next day in Care of Magical Creatures class, Malfoy was being his usual bitchy self and Harry decided he was just plain sick of him and wanted him dead.

He mounted the Killer Hippo (no, not like that, you perv) and shouted "RAWWWWWWWR!" as the Hippo reared up on her hind legs before taking off on a deadly stampede through a sea of Slytherins, killing most and tearing Malfoy limb from limb with her tusks.

Everyone left alive cheered, and Harry smiled proudly as he climbed from the Hippo's back.

"Well done, Harry!" Ron shouted. Hermione wouldn't admit it, but she was secretly happy too.

"Let's go celebrate, shall we?"

And with that, they mounted the Hippo (not like that, and get your mind out of the gutter) and rode off into the sunset to enjoy a cold Butterbeer, leaving Hagrid behind to sweep up the mess of dead bodies.


	17. The Time Hannah Was Hyper

**Harry Potter and the Time Hannah was Hyper**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

**Hola, mi amigos! It's been a while, eh? Well, you can blame my lack of inspiration and I blame that on you lazy non-reviewers! Once again, if you guys have any cool ideas that I may use, feel free to casually slip them in when you review. HINTHINTHINT This story is about my friend Hannah (after she's had too many pretzels), not the Hannah in the stories that's been mentioned a bit but isn't anyone important (yet, anyway). I haven't written anything in a while, so I'm sorry if it sucks, but I expect reviews ANYWAY. –prods you all with a cattle prod- MUAHAHAHA! FEAR THE MIGHTY CATTLE PROD!**

Harry Potter sat with his friends Ron and Hermione one boring day in Potions Class, wishing life didn't suck so much and that Snape would take a bath or at least start using a stronger deodorant, and maybe put up some new curtains, as the dungeons were so bland and uninteresting.

Harry noticed that Snape didn't notice that no one was actually working, as he seemed to be immersed in a suspicious looking magazine. _Well_, Harry figured, _screw this. Why should I work when Snape's not even watching?_ He stuck his quill in Ron's ear and tossed his ink bottle over his shoulder, which hit Draco Malfoy on the head and broke on contact with the hard surface, splooshing (for lack of a better word) his greasy blonde hair with inky, black…ink. Harry didn't even care enough to look, but if he had, he would have been reminded of a younger Snape with a much smaller nose.

Just then, for no apparent reason, the door burst open and in danced a tall blonde girl Harry had never seen before.

"Hi!" she exclaimed, and chomped on a large pretzel.

Snape was startled, as he'd still been absorbed in his naughty magazine, and immediately lost his composure.

"Who the bloody fookin' hell are you!"

"Die!" Hannah cried, and stabbed Snape in the face with a lollypop, causing him to instantly keel over and die.

"HUZZAH!" everyone cried.

"Hey, let's have a techno party!" Hannah said. Suddenly, loud techno music began to play from nowhere in particular. And they danced. Everyone except for Draco, who was busy crying in the corner like a sad little emo kid.

And that was the time Hannah was hyper, Snape died, and everyone but Draco was happy.

**I _know _you guys wouldn't leave without Reviewing, now would you? HINTPRODNUDGEWINK Of course you wouldn't. ; )**


	18. The Quest for the Magical Banana Peel

**Harry Potter and the Quest for the Magical Banana Peel**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

**First and foremost, I would like to say that "Banana" is a really fun word to type. BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA BANANANANA BANANA BANANA BANANA! But seriously, folks…Take my wife. No really, take her! Ok, that's enough. I don't have a wife. I dunno what's wrong with me. I haven't even started writing and already I'm making bad jokes.**

**I would really like to thank everyone for all the reviews. All the new people, and all my wonderful reviewers from before when I used to write my own ideas instead of other people's. I would also like to thank SiriuslyFunny for reviewing so much, and DarkRoseRaven for not only reviewing almost every chapter, but also for the many kind words. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now. And I'm more than halfway sure it's not just indigestion. Not to be forgotten, my other reviewers from long ago that I don't think I ever thanked because I was too lazy. Thanks, everyone. I love you all.**

**YOU LIKE ME! YOU REALLY, REALLY LIKE ME! –wipes tear from eye-**

**Another person I would like to thank and give credit to is Rainbow Fuzzlez, who gave me the idea for this story. Someone else gave me a really nice idea, but I couldn't have written about it because I had no idea what they were talking about. But on my list of things to do is finally see that Fantastic Four movie. Really. So, without any further bologna, the story:**

It was summer time once again, and Harry was staying with the Weaselys, as he usually had for the past few years, because frankly, as Harry so eloquently put it, the Durselys could go suck a weenie.

As Harry was wondering about eating an apple for no apparent reason, he walked into Ron's room to see if he ever wanted to finish that game of Exploding Snap they'd never finished so very long ago (See 'Sorcerer's Scone'). What he saw shocked and somewhat amused him. Well, mostly amused him. Various undergarments and strange little trinkets were strewn about the room as though a small room-sized hurricane had just come through. In a corner by a chest of drawers, Ron was digging frantically through a drawer, either trying to make him room look dirtier than it already was, or looking for something.

"Er…Ron? You alright?" Harry inquired, and was almost sorry he had.

"Bloody hell, Harry! I've lost my Banana Peel!"

Harry started to wonder if Ron was really talking about a banana peel or if this was some sort of slang term for something dirty.

"Your...banana peel?"

Before Ron could answer, Hermione burst suddenly into the room.

"I heard shouting! Is there an orgy going on in here that I haven't been asked to join in on!"

At this moment, Harry sort of wished he'd never come in here. This was getting weird.

"No…Ron's lost…something…"

"Well, what is it? Come on, Ron, you can't expect us to help you if you don't tell us what it is!"

"I didn't ask for help! And if you must know…I've lost my Magical Banana Peel. I got it in Egypt a couple years back, I guess I sort of forgot about it because I never thought to look for it again until now. I must have left it in Egypt…This is horrible!"

(A/N: As I write this fanfic, I can smell bacon.)

"Hmmm…" Thought Harry. "Well, I suppose we could go back to Egypt and look for it."

"How are we gonna do that!" Ron cried.

"Like this!" Said Hermione, and with that, and a wave of her wand that she always kept mysteriously concealed about her person, they found themselves somewhere in Egypt.

"Hermione, what the hell was that!" Ron said, still quite upset over the loss of his beloved Banana Peel.

"Yeah…How'd you do that? And where were you keeping your wand?" Harry wondered.

"Oh, never you mind. Let's look for the Banana Peel."

"How?" Both Harry and Ron asked in unison.

"Honestly, do I always have to be the smart one?" Hermione exclaimed, and the immediately answered her own question. "Well, yes, I suppose I do. Just…Start digging."

And with that, they dug through the sand. They dug, and dug, and dug some more. Then, without warning, Harry and Ron began to sing that really annoying song from the movie _Holes_. Big mistake.

Apparently, that song irritates even dung beetles, as, seemingly from out of nowhere, about a bazillion dung beetles began to fly at them and attack them.

"Bloody hell! We're gonna die!"

Harry and Ron were about to piss themselves, but luckily Hermione did that suspicious wand-wavy thing that she did before, and they found themselves safely back at the Burrow.

"Well…That was…Frightening." Harry said, trying to appear calm and cool once again. And failing miserably.

At this moment, Ron was digging around in his pants, and it looked very, very dirty. Yet, neither Harry nor Hermione could take their eyes off him. But finally Harry, not wanting to appear gay, decided to ask:

"Ron…What are you _doing_?"

Just then, Ron pulled something yellow but mostly black and brown and dead-looking out of his pants (the previous sentence would be very disturbing if taken out of context). It was the Banana Peel!

"Wow, guys! It was in my pants all along!" (that one also would be very disturbing).

"Ugh!" Hermione ughed, and slapped Ron straight across the face, and then stormed out.

"So…" Harry said. "Wanna play Exploding Snap?"

**As always, Don't forget to REVIEW. Please? I said _please_, you know! I think I get more reviews when I actually ask people to review rather than hint at it or expect them to do it of their own accord. Who'da thunk it?**

**And for my next chapter… The Amazing Child-Eating Snape-o-saurous!**


	19. The Amazing Child Eating Snape Thingy

**Harry Potter and the Amazing Child-Eating Snape-O-Saurus**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

**Thanks for all the reviews, you lovely people. I would probably have had this chapter written a long time ago if I weren't so bloody lazy. Well, I hope you enjoy it. I don't think I even spelled 'Snape-O-Saurus' right but it doesn't matter because I'm sure you all get the idea.**

**Also, I would like to thank ****BlackOwl892006 for so kindly giving me this idea.**

Harry, Hermione, and Ron decided to go for one more midnight exploration of the castle, though they already knew it as well as anyone really could. As they got older, they found they had less and less time for this activity, and they weren't even really doing it this time for their own enjoyment, more because they knew it may be a while before they were able to again. Harry and Ron also found it a little bit more _interesting_, for lack of a better word, to be squished up close to Hermione underneath the invisibility cloak.

They turned the corner, and what they saw was even more disturbing than the time Snape had sleep-walked around the corridors in a sparkly pink bra with matching panties. Well… Almost as disturbing. And it also involved Snape.

It appeared to be a large dinosaur of some sort, but its head was horribly misshapen. It looked just like Snape's head! Oh, how frightening it was!

Ron chose this moment to run screaming like a little girl. In the process, he threw off the invisibility cloak, exposing Harry and Hermione. Harry was about to follow suit when Hermione stepped in front of him and threw a black satin thong at the monster's head. It landed right on its hideously deformed nose.

Suddenly, the Snape-O-Saurus began to melt to the ground in a steaming pool of grease and panty. Or something. The day was saved in such a way that it became evident that the author of this fanfic is a lazy bastard.

Harry looked at Hermione, and found that she was not only not wearing panties, she wasn't wearing anything at all, and she was lying on a bed that had somehow magically appeared.

"Oh, Harry…" She said seductively.

"Yes?" Harry said as he scampered over to the bed like a happy little puppy dog. The moment he'd been waiting for all his life had now come.

"Harry…Harry, wake up!"

"Wha…" Harry wondered.

Suddenly, everything around him melted rather like the Snape-O-Saurus had, and Harry found himself looking straight up at Ron. He screamed and about fell out of bed.

"Ron, what are you doing!"

"Er…I'm waking you up, mate. You ok? You seem a bit…distressed…"

"OF COURSE I'M DISTRESSED! YOU JUST…AND…HERMIONE WAS…AND WE WERE ABOUT TO…WHY'D YOU HAVE TO RUIN IT?"

"Er…Right," Ron said, feeling rather frightened, and he backed slowly out of the room to leave Harry to his disturbing little fantasies, and made his way to the Great Hall for breakfast.


	20. The Amazing Dust of Happy

**Harry Potter and the Amazing Dust of Happy**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just have too much free time.**

**Greetings, one and all! El Tito here with another wonderful and ever-so-clever Harry Potter story. And a drug-induced one at that, I'm sure. Purely entertaining and exciting humor that is sure to make your head bleed with delight (or anguish). **

**Many thanks to ****BlackOwl892006 for a wonderful idea, that I really did almost use, but the only way I knew to elaborate it would have made it more M-rated than my current rating of whatever it is now. Because, you know, my mind is perpetually in the gutter.**

(Author's note: Looking back on parts of this story, I wonder if all the so-called "drug content" doesn't make it M-rated anyway.)

**Feel free to submit more ideas via review. And speaking of reviewing, don't forget to. Or I'll come after you in the night and hide dead things in your sheets. Or somethin'. **

**Oh, oh, oh! Before we begin our wonderful tale of misery and horror, I must tell you. Even though I'm sure no one really cares because it's a known fact that no one ever reads what's in bold print anyway, I'm still going to tell you. Today, in my 3rd period class, we all got high on markers, and all was well in the world. Oh, it was wonderful. The kid across from me was like, "It smells like HAPPY!" and I was like "DUUUUUDE! THERE'S LIKE A RAVE IN MY HEAD, MAN!" And that was our little running gag of the day. That and the stoned owl named Cheech. I believe it was on the news back in December, but I found it on a website. Apparently, some couple got one of those real pine trees cuz I guess the plastic kind wasn't good enough for them, and 5 days later (yes, 5 whole days if you can possibly fathom it) they were decorating it, and they found a little stoned owl in their tree that smelled like pot. They named it Cheech.**

**Cheech Marin is the sole owner of…My soul. I sold it to him for a pound of weed, if you can believe it. Did I smoke it? No. Well…Maybe. But I keep it locked away in a little room inside my head and on Holy days, I pray to it, in hopes that one day… I will have more weed. And some sour gummy worms. Damn those things are good.**

**Ah. Well. On with the show, bitches.**

**Oh. And. I threatened to put something dead under my friend Adam's pillow. Cuz…of…Something. I dunno what he did. But it was a damn good threat.**

**But seriously. On with the show… Bitches.**

One pretty day in April (Why April? Don't ask me! IT'S THE PANTS! THE PANTS COMMAND ME!) Harry Potter and all his magical friends were playing outside, simply because they could. You know how it is in da hood.

(Author's note: My hand smells like cat. It bothers me. Also, the last two sentences in the previous paragraph kinda rhymed a bit. Cool, eh?)

Just then, for no apparent reason, Fred and George Weasley, accompanied by their bestest pal Lee Jordan, all fell out of a nearby oak tree. And Lee, being the minor character that he was, immediately jumped up and ran away into the distance happily spouting profanity, as it was in his nature to do so.

Fred and George (also known as Gred and Feorge) scampered (Yes, actually scampered. Scary, isn't it?) on over to where our main characters were playing innocently, unaware of the eternal damnation that would soon befall them. Or somethin'.

"Hey guys, want some crack?" Fred axed. Yes. Axed.

"Crack?" asked Harry. No. Not axed.

"Right," said Fred. Yes, like the band.

"Hmmm…Ok!" said Harry.

George took a small plastic bag thing out of his pocket filled with white powdery shit (My writing skills today are, as they say in da hood, fuct . Please forgive me.) that seemed to glow with a sort of glowy-type aura. Or somethin'. He handed it to Harry.

"Erm…Thanks. What do we do with it?"

"Well, you pour some in your hand, or on the ground, or on a toilet seat, and you snort it," said George.

"Oh…Ok."

And our trio scampered (once again, I use the word scampered) off to the Gryffindor common room to try out their magical new powdery shit.

(Author's note: Originally, my idea was 'shrooms. But crack is just more fun.)

Harry, not knowing the ways of cocaine, decided to dump the whole damn bag onto one of the tables. Ron sniffed the air.

"Hey, it smells like happy!" he proclaimed.

"Yes. Yes it does," Hermione agreed.

"Well…I guess I'll go first," Harry said, trying to sound all brave and macho so maybe Hermione would want to some day have his babies. Or somethin'.

Harry bent over the mound of white powdery shit on the table and snorted. Like this:

SNORRRRRRRT!

Harry looked stunned for a minute, and Hermione and Ron waited anxiously for his reaction.

After a long pause, Harry shouted, "DAMN! IT'S LIKE THERE'S A RAVE IN MY HEAD!"

"Cool!" said Ron, and he too snorted some. Like this:

SNORRRRRRRRRRT!

And then, his nose fell off. No one was really sure why. But they all laughed and pointed at him, even Hermione who had not yet even ingested any crack.

"Haha! You look like Michael Jackson!" They jeered, and Ron's ears turned bright red.

(Author's note: My most sincere apologies to Mr. Jackson, I'm sure it's just the marker fumes talking.)

They kept this up for a few hours, until Fred and George came in and told them it wasn't really crack, just artificial sweetener, and they all felt like jackasses.

El End-o!

**As always, my lovelies, don't forget to REVIEW!1!11!SHIFT+1!**

**Seriously, man. Review. Or I'll hide something dead under your pillow. **

**Or I'll stab you like I stabbed that old lady at the supermarket cuz she gave me a funny look. I'll do it, I'm crazy! But, as if you didn't already know that.**

**And today's lesson is: There is a difference between Que Pasa and Que Paso.**

**Situation one: You see a big crowd of people all bunched up together and they're all chanting "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" So you go up to one of your buddies and say, "Hey man, que pasa!" And you friend tells you, "This dude's gonna kick that scrawny guy's ass, man!"**

**Situation two: You're walking down the street and you come upon an area of town where the ground is littered with dead bodies, and there's a guy with one of those big push brooms. You go up to him and say, "Hey man, que paso?" and he tells you, "I dunno, man, but if I were you, I'd get the fuck out of here!"**

**Summary:**

**Que pasa: "What's happening?" "What's up?" "What's going on?" Or really anything to that effect. **

**Que paso: "What happened?"**

**I'm oh-so-educational.**

**For that little lesson in Spanish grammar, I expect extra _REVIEWS_ from you all!**

**GO NOW, MY MINIONS! REVIEW! THE END IS NEAR! REVIEW OR PREPARE TO PERISH IN FLAMES!**

I updated this to fix a spelling error…One single spelling error. That's how much of a loser I am. But anyway, Yes, Siriuslyfunny, we did get high in 3rd period, but don't tell my teacher! And no, Google Snook, I do not 'ship' Harry and Hermione, I don't really 'ship' anyone because frankly, relationships are boring. The only time I write anything even remotely, as they say, 'shippy' is only when it's a joke, like Snape and the Rubber Duck or… Harry and Hermione. Or whatever else I've written. Ron/Carnivorous Pony, for instance. Or somethin'.

Now I expect some more gawd damn reviews. Please.


	21. The Horror of King Arthur

**Harry Potter and The Horror of King Arthur**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat in the Gryffindor Common Room one night. Harry and Ron sat and potatoed the couch, and Hermione worked on her homework for her Muggle Studies class.

"What is all this, anyway?" Ron asked.

"Muggle literature. Really shows how little most muggles know about magic."

"The Legends of King Arthur, by Sir Thomas Mallory," Harry read aloud.

"Hmmm," Hmmm-ed Ron, thumbing through the book. He and Harry read through a few stories, all about some old fat guy named Arthur slaying dragons and defending the defenseless and his brave knights committing random deeds of chivalry, and an alleged 'wizard' named Merlin, who was really not much of a wizard at all.

"My GOD, this is boring!" Ron exclaimed.

"Got that right. Let's go kill ourselves. That stuff made me want to die."

"Yeah, alright."

They began to wander off in search of a formidable place of death, but Hermione called after them, "Wait for me! I'll join you as soon as I'm done with these next 3,242,535 questions!"

**Yes, I know that was short, but after reading King Arthur stories until my head exploded in English class made me really want to die. So, I did what any normal person does to cope with impending insanity. I wrote a fanfic about it.**

**Review, loves!**


	22. Ron and the Beans

**Ron** **Weasely and the Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

**Inspired by the video games.**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking down a corridor in the school one day, when Ron suddenly shouted "Look, a bean!"

It was no ordinary bean. It was an enormous Bertie Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Bean, and it seemed to be levitating in the air of its own accord.

Harry walked over to it, but as soon as he attempted to touch it, it disappeared and banner dropped down from out of nowhere with a picture of some Every Flavour Beans and a large number one.

Ron wandered off in search of more beans, and Harry tried to figure out what the hell was going on. Hermione randomly walked into a wall.

"Ow!" She said.

Ron came back with a pocket full of imaginary beans, and being the uncoordinated video-game-like character he was, he bumped into Harry, and the banner re-appeared from overhead now saying that Harry had 0 beans and Ron now had +1.

"Ron, you wanker, you stole my bean!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Rawwwwr!" Harry squealed and tackled Ron to the ground. They wrestled and a random number of beans moved back and forth from Harry to Ron and random banners appeared and disappeared and re-appeared from overhead like mad. Hermione stared blankly.

Eventually they stopped, Ron being the winner, and Harry glaring at him. Hermione bumped into a wall.

"Ow!"

"Well, let's go back to the common room. That was pointless." Ron said.

"Whatever," Harry replied.

**Wasn't that fun, kids!**

**Review, please!**


	23. Cow Shenanigans

**Cow Shenanigans **

**Greetings, people. Long time no, eh…write. Yeah, the main reason for that is, well, besides the fact that I'm a lazy sod, is probably my evil computer 'teacher'. She does not teach, she just gives us a book and a computer and lets us figure stuff out. Occasionally she'll sit by her little video projector and ramble on about something or other. Her voice makes my ears bleed. I'm so far ahead of everyone in that class. I took the same thing in 7th grade, and they're still making me go through all this crap. I hate my school.**

**Yeah, so, the whole 'Microsoft Word' and 'computers in general' thing no longer appeals to me in the slightest.**

**Anywho, my English teacher has one of those little poster thingies on the wall of her classroom, you know, the 'inspirational' sort that are really corny and pointless. Well, I have no idea what it says, because I don't care, but the picture on it is where I got the idea for this story. I guess it _is _somewhat inspirational, although I don't think it was quite intended to inspire me in this way.**

Harry sat in his DADA (That's Defense Against the Dark Arts, for all you muggles) classroom, staring blankly at the weekly quiz on his desk. He was actually staring at a tiny ant, crawling slowly but determinedly across the parchment. He decided to name it 'Melvin'.

He considered transfiguring Melvin into a spider to see if Ron would pee himself. But he wasn't that cruel. Now, if Draco Malfoy had been deathly afraid of spiders, that would be a different story. No, he decided it would be best to just let Melvin live his life.

That was, until Professor Lockhart (Yes, I'm using him because he's easy to make fun of) twittered over to see why Harry wasn't working. He saw Melvin and immediately uttered a rather feminine squeal and squished Melvin dead with a rolled up copy of _The Daily Prophet_.

Harry was about to ask what the bloody hell was wrong with him, until a large animal of the bovine variety plunged through the ceiling and landed right on top of Lockhart.

Everyone looked up from their quizzes and over to the large cow standing in the middle of the room and on top of their professor, still calmly chewing a mouthful of grass.

Fred and George Weasely stuck their heads in from the gaping hole in the ceiling.

"Whoops! That was our fault," George called.

"Anyone hurt?" asked Fred.

"Nope," Harry said. _Except for Melvin_, he thought bitterly, shooting the squashed professor a dirty look.

"Quit playing around, you guys. Now we have to find another cow!" Someone from above called. It sounded like Lee Jordan. After Fred and George left to follow their friend, presumably to find another cow, the students slowly got up to leave. They were all sort of confused, but they didn't have to take the quiz anymore, so all was well in the world.

Before Harry walked out the door, he turned to face Lockhart and gave him a swift kick in the ribs.

"Karma bites, doesn't it?" he said, and he left. Time to perform a funeral ceremony for poor Melvin.

**You know you liked it! That's why you should REVIEW. Please? I'll love you forever! And I'll promise to write some more. I've even got some ideas lined up.**

**Review, please!**


	24. Dumbledore is Gay

**The Mandatory Dumbledore-is-Gay Fic**

**I'm aware I haven't updated this story in forever. I've been off writing TMNT and Naruto fics... And I really haven't had any inspiration lately. The latest book kinda killed my love of Potterness. I still like the series, it just doesn't excite me as much anymore. Also, I know I'm a lazy bastard. I mean, I'm pretty sure I've stated this before. This should come as no surprise to you.**

**P.S. I did recently write a Marauders story but I posted it separately from this one because it didn't mostly focus on Harry, Ron, or Hermione. Go check that out!**

**Warnings: Spoilers, Gayness, Lazy half-ass-ed-ly written story.**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione made their way down to the Great Hall for some impromptu assembly that Dumbledore had just called. They had no earthly idea what it could be about. Harry fervently hoped it was not about the mysterious 'fap fap fap' noises that were frequently heard coming from the third floor boy's restroom (that sure would be embarrassing).

"Oi, Harry," Ron said, elbowing his friend in the ribs. "D'ya reckon he's _gay_?"

"Don't be a wanker, Ron."

"No, that's you."

"RON, I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY-"

"Both of you, hush!" Hermione interjected as they were just sitting down to hear what their headmaster had to say.

Dumbledore made his way to the podium that had been set up for just such an occasion. For reasons unknown, his beard was dyed a spectacular shade of hot pink and he was wearing a rainbow tie-dyed robe and matching wizard hat.

"Bloody hell, he's a hippie! I knew it!" Ron spluttered, only to be jabbed hard by Hermione's elbow.

"Students," the old man began, "It seems that I have something I must confess. Please brace yourselves, as this may come as quite a shock."

Somewhere off in a distant corner, a cricket chirped. All eyes were on Dumbledore, and many mouths hung open stupidly. Then he continued:

"I... am a homosexual."

Again, the same cricket chirped. Several people whispered something along the lines of "...And?" Someone in the back yelled "WE KNOW!" and louder whispers of agreement spread like ripples of water from the person who'd shouted.

"You...Know?" Dumbledore looked genuinely confused.

A prefect in the front stood up and said, "Yes, sir. We all thought it was rather obvious."

"Ah...Well, in the case, I'll be off on my honeymoon for the next week. Also, in celebration, classes are canceled until I return," he turned to look over his shoulder and called out something inaudible, as the cheers of the students were so loud.

When the cheers died down, Dumbledore looked slightly annoyed (as annoyed as someone so patient can be) and turned to call again.

"Severus, I said_come here!_"

Dead silence.

Snape came out onto the platform dressed in an admittedly gorgeous white wedding dress.

"You...called, sir?" He said, looking severely annoyed and unhappy to be humiliated in such a way (you'd think he'd be used to being humiliated in front of large numbers of people by now).

"Off we go, my darling Snape-A-Doodle!" They linked arms and skipped merrily (though Snape was more or less dragged) away.

"Ah..." Harry said, breaking the silence. "Does that mean...we can go now?" And the students all got up and wandered away, in varying states of shock and awe. Some were crying out of sheer happiness for the newly wed couple.

**R & R PLEASE.**

**I HAD TO DO IT! But even if Dumbledore is gay, we all know Snape's true love is Hedwig.**


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